2 years ago today…

I married my best friend. I’ll never forget how EXCITED I was to walk down the aisle in my most favorite dress ever and say “I do,” to Kevin.  The night before the wedding my sweet sister and I had our last single sleepover at my mom’s house and it was SO much fun. I remember going to Trader Joes the morning of our wedding day with my sister to get some treats.  As we were going through the check out, the checker asked if we had anything fun planned for the day.  I was so excited to tell the checker that I had GREAT plans for that day, I was getting MARRIED!

While I was super excited in the days leading up to the wedding and the wedding day itself, the night before the wedding my commonsense took a vacation.  Yes, you know it has happened to you before.   You know, when you’re too excited to function?   The night before the wedding is much funnier in hindsight than it was the day of.  This is what it looked like for me…   I had just a few small last minute details to take care of.  I mean I had been planning for over a year, so in comparison, these last few things didn’t seem to be such a big deal.   Being the planner that I am, I left the simple task of putting pictures in frames until after the rehearsal dinner.  This was a small detail that caused a near breakdown after my rehearsal dinner in the living room of my mothers house.  Literally EVERYTHING else was done, well except for me having my bag packed but I always leave that to the last minute…  My mom’s living room was full of organized boxes full of wedding decor to be picked up in the AM.  I had spent weeks making matching sets of frames to put on all of the tables.  My sister and a couple of my wonderful bridesmaids stuck around after to help put these together.  We were quite the team.  When it came down to the last 2 frames, I discovered we couldn’t find the matches.  There were no words to describe the panic I felt at that moment at 11 PM the night before my wedding.  How could we be missing 2 frames?!  Where could they be?!  Surely I couldn’t leave a table without frames! My mom tried to console me and my friends helped search my house, but no luck.  It probably didn’t help that my room was in shambles from the process of moving out.   Halfway through my breakdown, when we started to figure we would have to scrounge up some frames from the house, Kevin showed up to drop something off.   He of course was concerned by my state of panic, being the good fiance he was.  And, in true Kevin fashion, as cool as a cucumber, Kevin asked if we had bothered to count the frames.  Pshhh, that’s a stupid response I thought, clearly we were missing 2.  While I continued to be a pain, Kevin started counting and discovered we had JUST the right number.  None in fact were missing.  At that moment, I got very quiet and a lightbulb went off…. I had conveniently forgotten that of all the sets of frames that I made,  all had an identical match, except for ONE set, yes just ONE, that did not match but rather complimented each other.   Needless to say, we finished our last task, laughed about it and eventually got a few hours of sleep.  The wedding was everything I had imagined it would be and more.  And,  now that my brain is functioning normally, had we been missing those frames, I think things would have still been ok

Of all the things we have been through together, this story is a perfect illustration of the relationship between Kevin and me.    I am a planner, I am fast paced,  I am go getter, and I am a panicker when said plans do not go as planned.  Kevin is much slower paced and laid back.  We balance each other.  Even at times when I don’t want to be balanced.  2 years, a move and a little dog later here we are, still standing! I’m excited to see what this next year holds for us, but not too excited, you know, I want to make sure I still have some commonsense

You Make it Real

By James Morrison

“There’s so much craziness surrounding me,
There’s so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me,
You make it real for me

When I’m not sure of my priorities,
When I’ve lost sight of where I’m meant to be
And like holy water washing over me,
You make it real for me

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak,
I’m full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can’t find the words, you teach my heart to speak,
You make it real for me

I guess there’s so much more I have to learn,
But if you’re here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run,
You make it real for me“

 I love you, Kevin!

 

My San Francisco Giants

If you know me, you know that I love the Giants.  They are kind of a big deal around our household.  Every time we watch a Giants game I drive my husband crazy with my look-a-likes.  Probably because he has no idea who I’m even talking about.  And, I may be crazy.  But, crazy or not, here are some of my favorites.

This was the most <appropriate> picture I could find for Pat.  If you google him, you might notice that the majority of his photos involve him without his shirt on, making an angry face over a call or flipping the camera off.  Now, Dermot on the other hand you might recognize from one of my favorite movies The Wedding Date or perhaps a more classic movie, My Best Friends Wedding.  Just go with it.

This happens to be one of the look-a-likes that my husband thinks I am most crazy about.  This may be because I usually present it by saying something like, “Buster looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite!” I should really work on my delivery on this one because I still think he does.

Don’t judge me, but at one time in my life I used to watch the cartoon “King of the Hill.” I have since moved on to better things, promise.  No disrespect to Cain with this one. I really think it’s the nose and the hair color.  Ok, and maybe the chin too.

This next one may a bit too soon.  I’m still little upset over the decision to move Travis Ishikawa down to the Giants triple-a team, the Fresno Grizzlies.  Boo.

 He reminds me a lot of Keanu Reeves.  But, he also reminds me of a brown eyed Justin-Bobby.  You know, Audrina’s less than honorable ex-boyfriend on The Hills.  See, I told you,  I have moved on the better things.  KIDDING. Kind of.  Anyway, you be the judge on this one.

I don’t think I need to say much for this next one.  Except, can I get a “Have mercy” up in here?

I saved the best for last.  This one is my FAVORITE.

Meet Luiz, the Brazilian cab driver in SF that looks EXACTLY like Timmy.  It’s actually quite creepy.  What’s even creepier are his youtube videos to Timmy. Recently, my husband, brother in law and I spent way too much time trying to figure out if that was really a look-a-like in the videos, or the man himself playing a strange joke.

Conclusion: Luiz is the real <look-a-like> deal. Besides, Timmy doesn’t have time to make videos like that. We on the other hand, clearly have too much time on our hands.

Speaking of extra time, you know those Giants commercials they have been running this season?  They are quite genius.  However, has anyone noticed that a good majority of the players featured in these commercials also happen to be players who have been on, or ended up on the disabled list this season? Weird.  And also, kind of creepy.

I know, I analyze things way too much.  I’m a social worker, it’s what I do. But, just think about it.  I might just have a reasonable theory here people.

And while you are thinking about it, who are some of your Giants look-a-likes?

 

Ambular Gets Hitched!

On April 16th, 2011 I had the honor of standing beside one of my bestest, dearest and oldest friends as she married her best (man) friend.  Ok, he is her best friend, I am just having best friend separation anxiety.  You know, totally normal right? This was a big day, for lots of reasons.  It was a time of coming together, a time of laughter, and joyful tears.  Oh, and I can’t forget the fabulous dancing.  I am a sucker for those cheesey choreographed songs, ie the Cha Cha Slide, that make you feel like you are a back up dancer for Britney Spears. Hello, genius! But, above all else, it was a true celebration of what God had done to transform both Amber and Bryan on their journey to the aisle.  Amber truly learned how to trust and how to let someone love her.  What I loved even more, was that the transformation that I had seen had also been SO apparent to others who knew them.   What confirmation of the good work that God does in the hearts of His children!   Just imagine, If we can feel loved by our family and friends who are imperfect humans, how much MORE  and how much BETTER does our heavenly father love us? Truly overwhelming.

Here are some of our photos… also a great reminder that it is time for a new camera. Please excuse the blur and unnatural colors.

Seeing as my own photography skills definitely did not do justice to the beauty of this day, check out a sneak peak of the great shots her photographer, Jadyn Welch captured here

Amber, you were a GORGEOUS bride.  And Bryan, you are a lucky man!  Can’t wait to see what God has in store for the both of you on this journey!

 

Different

For the past 2 months I have been adjusting to my new gig as a hospital social worker.  I love the diversity and there is something comforting about hospitals to me. I have the privilege of working on all the different units at the hospital, some of which I enjoy  more than others.  Sure, working with patients and families who are sick and inevitably in crisis is not a walk in the park. But, I love it.  I can handle it.  Well, most of it. Strokes: check, Preemies in the NICU: check, abuse and neglect: check.  Before I bore you,  let me cut to the chase,  EVERYTHING but death and dying: check.  What I recognized early on was that I don’t do death and dying with patients and really their families.  It scares me.  It intimidates me.  What could I possibly have to say to a family facing such great loss?  <Insert anxiety> I have spent most of my days praying and hoping that my patients will stabilize.  To date, all of my patients have left the hospital with a pulse and improved condition.  I repeat, I don’t didn’t do death and dying.

There have been days at work where I have felt burdened by overwhelming feelings of compassion for patients because of their situations or diagnoses, but today was a first for me.  Today was different.  Today I spent my day in the critical care unit (CCU) with very sick patients.  Each morning I get debriefed on patients in the unit that I need to be aware of as well as assigned my caseload.  A particular patient caught my attention this morning, one that was not assigned to me, but stuck with me nonetheless. This patient was a single mother who had suffered a brain aneurysm while out with her teenage daughter.  No prior indicators that anything was wrong. She was now in the CCU, brain dead,  impending death and her family knew it.  Later in the day, while visiting with my patients/families throughout the unit, I couldn’t help but notice all of the commotion surrounding this patients room.  Several family members, young children, teenagers with their backpacks on having come from school, and siblings of the patient walked from her room to the family room with heavy feet, tearful and visibly heartbroken, physically holding one another.  Immediately I knew, the worst for this family had happened. My heart broke and fell to the bottom of my chest.  I stood at the nurses station, fighting back tears.  No, I had never met this patient.  No, I had never met her family but something hit me, and it hit me hard. Like someone had knocked the wind out of me.  God was doing something in my heart and teaching me something at that very moment.  It was no mistake I was on this unit today, standing there at that very moment.

Friends, life is SHORT.  Living until the ripe age of 95 is not guaranteed.  But DEATH surely is. I am heartbroken for her family, for her children who will have to re-learn life without their precious mom.  Loss is hard. I don’t know what their beliefs were, but I pray that if they don’t already know Jesus, that they would come to know him.

Hospitals represent a place of healing for many, but the reality is that only God can truly heal.  Death happens.  This is what makes Easter so incredible.  We cannot even prevent death yet Jesus DIED and ROSE from the dead. WOW. And to think, He did this purely out of His goodness, grace and love for you and for me.

Friends, if you remember, please pray for me.  Pray that I would have courage to face death and dying with these families.  That God would use me to share His truth with them in words and actions.  To break down those barriers that hinder me.  There is no reason to fear death when we have a personal relationship with our Savior who loves us immeasurably more than we can even fathom.

 

Worth a Thousand Words

The talented and ever so kind, Stephanie Fay sent us a cd full of beautiful photos that she captured during our San Francisco photo session  LOVE.  Here are a few of my favorites.  I want to cover the walls of our apartment with these photos.

How sweet is little Charlie?? I just love him.

My hubby is the most handsome and loving man in the world.

I love how beautifully these photos document our family.  When I look at them my heart overflows with love and thanks for how God has blessed me.  A HUGE thank you to the wonderful Stephanie Fay for being one of those blessings by taking these photos and sharing them with us!

 

All in a weeks work…

In the last work week I have…

• Been reminded that it is God who does all things in and through me.  I am nothing without Him.
• Chased a gerbil around a wheelchair bound patients room so he didn’t escape.
• Been offered to have my car babysat by a man in the Tenderloin in exchange for a beer.
• Been in the most beautiful homes in SF that I never even knew existed.
• Been in some of the worst living environments that I knew existed but never entered until now.
• Met the sweetest and kindest elderly people.
• Learned to love my GPS system.
• Paid far too much for parking in SF. (Seriously. the Tenderloin charges you $.25 for 5 minutes. YES, 5 MINUTES)
• Had enough change to pay for parking or found parking spots that were free when I had no change.
• Had the opportunity to listen and support individuals in some of their most vulnerable states.

It has been fun to look back on the past week as I have officially started conducting my own home visits.  While I have listed some fun moments, oh the joys of social work, the first entry on my list is by far the most important.

I am learning to love my new job, which has been quite the change.  Social work was never easy but my new position has given me a run for my money.  It has been hard to shift gears after almost 2 years of comfort, if you will, working at the group homes. I felt confident in myself because I knew what I was doing, at least I thought I did.

Now, more days than not, I wake up wondering, “God, how am I going to do this today?  I don’t know enough.  What if I don’t have the resources or knowledge that I need?”  To date, He hasn’t let me down and deep down, I know that He never will because He is good. I may struggle but it is He who will rescue me and NOBODY else.  Not even myself, despite my hardest efforts.

It is in those moments where I truly let go and let God, that He surprises me. It has come in the form of returned phone calls at just the right moments, parking spots right where I need them, gracious people that He has put in front of me, and so much more that I am not even aware of.  I thank God for those moments and the grace that He continues to give to me.  I truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I pray that God would continue to break my heart for the things that I see and that God would give me the wisdom, passion, and resources to confront them.  That He would continue to fill my heart with compassion. Finally, and most importantly, that I would wake up each morning and trust that God is going to meet my needs in His good and perfect timing.

 

The Long Silence

Over the past few days I have spent much time thinking about the cross that Jesus died on to pay for my sins.  Today I remembered a “playlet” (don’t ask me what this means, by the way) that I found referenced in John Stotts book The Cross of Christ.  I read this book a few years ago now and this particular passage is one of the few that I remember as it really impacted me then and still does today.  In light of Holy week and Resurrection Sunday, I thought that I would share it with all of you.

“At the end of time, billions of people were scattered on a great plain before God’s throne.

Most shrank back from the brilliant light before them.  But some groups near the front talked heatedly- not with cringing shame, but with belligerence.

‘Can God judge us?  How can he know about suffering?’ snapped a pert young brunette.  She ripped open a sleeve to reveal a tattooed number from a Nazi concentration camp.  ’We endured terror… beatings… torture… death!’

In another group a Negro boy lowered his collar.  ’What about this?’ he demanded, showing an ugly rope burn.  ’Lynched… for no crime but being black!’

In another crowd, a pregnant schoolgirl with sullen eyes.  ’Why should I suffer’ she murmured, ‘It wasn’t my fault.’

Far out across the plain there were hundreds of such groups.  Each had a complaint against God for the evil and suffering he permitted in this world.  How lucky God was to live in heaven where all was sweetness and light, where there was no weeping or fear, no hunger or hatred.  What did God know of all that man had been forced to endure in this world?  For God leads a pretty sheltered life, they said.

So each of these groups sent forth their leader, chosen because he had suffered the most.  A Jew, a Negro, a person from Hiroshima, a horribly deformed arthritic, a thalidomide child.  In the centre of the plain they consulted with each other.  At last they were ready to present their case.  It was rather clever.

Before God could be qualified to be their judge, he must endure what they had endured.  Their decision was that God should be sentenced to live on earth- as a man!

‘Let him be born a Jew.  Let the legitimacy of his birth be doubted.  Give him a work so difficult that even his family will think him out of his mind when he tries to do it.  Let him be betrayed by his closest friends.  Let him face false charges, be tried by a prejudiced jury and convicted by a cowardly judge.  Let him be tortured.

‘At the last, let him see what it means to be terribly alone.  Then let him die.   Let him die so that there can be no doubt that he died.  Let there be a great host of witnesses to verify it.’

As each leader announced his portion of the sentence, loud murmurs of approval went up from the throng of people assembled.

And when the last had finished pronouncing sentence, there was a long silence.  No-one muttered another word.  No-one moved.  For suddenly all knew that Gold had already served his sentence.”

Jesus didn’t die on the cross so that He could have “street cred.”  He died because He LOVES me and because He LOVES you.  He died so that we, you and I, can have LIFE. Not just life  here on this earth, but ETERNAL life, with Him in a place where there is no sin, no pain and no suffering.  Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?  I am challenged and convicted that I can so easily forget the price that Jesus paid on my behalf.  Dang.  His goodness is truly overwhelming.  I pray that I wouldn’t be convicted of the true meaning of the cross once a year but rather on a daily basis.  I pray that I would always remember that apart from Him I am nothing.

Oh to see my name, written in Your wounds,

For through your suffering, I am free.

Death is crushed to death, life is mine to live.

Won through Your selfless love.

This the power of the cross

Son of God, slain for us

What a life, what a cost.

I stand forgiven at the cross.